Makin Progress.....

Luvvv ittttt..

I'm at 211 (from 230) in 30 days and I haven't even really been trying too hard at all yet. I also signed up for a 5k on this coming Fathers day  - and have been hitting the gym 3 to 4 nights per week now - for a short term goal.

Tuesday I wanted to see how a 5K would feel  - so I ran one at the gym. After conferring with some co-workers who also run a lot and based off their advice, I kept it lite and started at 3.5 mph  - and slowly clicked it up the speed towards the end...I did it in an embarrassing 53 minutes - but the good part is I walked off knowing I could have busted out at least 3 more miles when I stopped, and secondly, I now I can do it and not pass out.

I did some further follow ups and am finding out most "runners" are doing the 5K in about 28 to 35 minutes - so I have a goal to meet.. :).

Last night I hit the gym again and ran another 5K and this time I walked off having completed it at 4.2 and in 47 minutes - and knew I still had another mile or so in me.. Tonight I adjust to 4.5 and run 4 miles - as I am looking for that speed vs distance ratio where I am tired but still have power - and can hit in the mid 30 minute range....for a 4 to 5 mile run..  I know you think "well just do the math and maintain this speed for this distance" - but it is always easier said then done and besides - I'm a bit bull headed and always want to push it further and father in shorter times...God I long for the days when I could easily average a 6 minute mile and run 5 miles like I was walking to school.....Damn I miss Lacrosse..

Oh well, I will keep pushing... I'm gonna blow all those fuckers outta the water.... In 6 months I will be busting out marathons if I can keep up this pace..and on top of all of it - I feel fricken great....

J3

Now That's What I'm Talking about !!!!

I have been off  Beer during the M-Th for 3 weeks now....  ( I will never fully quit that luscious nectar, but I will try dammit...)

I have hit the gym consistently for 2 weeks now - light but hard workouts of treadmill and weights - about 45 min per - for 4 nights per week (you would be amazed at how good hitting the gym at 10pm really is - place is usually empty, no waiting and no knuckleheads standing around talking). I have always been a strong runner and am currently in my quest for Marathon gold doing 1.5 miles per session on a 3% incline at 5mph...in 13 minutes...  To me that sucks (I haven't looked to see how my fast Kenyan competition runs a mile in - but I will get there)  Besides, my fat ass has to start start somewhere and to tell you the truth at the end of that first mile I am ready to fricken die...lol...but a 10 minute rest allows me to go back for that extra .50

I am also using a new calorie tracking website - My Fitness Pal - which my buddy hooked me up with which is really easy to use, super effective, and can be accessed from Mobile; Ipad or computer. This is a calorie counter - not a diet. It sets easy to attain goals which you can control - I love it....Plus as an added bonus it is free - which means it is for me!!!

So for shits & giggles lets just say I started this healthy lifestyle change fiasco on May 1st of 2012.....Start weight - a record breaking 230lb... My life time achievement record of fatness...

Well, at weigh in today - right after wake up, potty break and  a shower.....I'm logging in at 213lbs in my birthday suit.....  That's right kids - 17lbs in 23 days..... another 23 to go and I can rejoin the the porn industry as a leading man.... Hell man - I might even make it by the end of June....

PS:  When I told the OB&C (Old Ball& Chain) this morning about how much weight I have lost - I really thought she was gonna slug me in the jaw...Luvvvvv Ittttttttt....

Here is a quick pic  for you of the new me I snapped last night at the Gym.....

J3

To Fat for my own damn good....

I know it has been a while since I posted, so I will endeavor to put down my next endeavour.

I enjoy being a bit edgy whenever I can - always pushing things just enough to where they are scary or dangerous or just a step further then the rest - cause lets face it - M80's are fun - but M80's thrown at someone out a moving car are even funnier. (not that I would ever do that of course)

My good friend Coop once told me that I remind him a of mix between Ted Nugent and Steve Irwin.....  I don't think he meant "Old Man" Nugent, but the wild and rowdy Nugent from when we were teens (that's how I took it anyway...)

As to Steve Irwin - well it is not cause I'm good with animals - but then again M80's thrown at Hornet nests are of course the most fun, especially when there are other people close to ground zero who don't know it's gonna happen...

Coop's commentary was  primarily centered around me always having these big "holy shit wouldn't that be cool"  idea's and then talking my friends into doing them with me - even though the marks on the "This is a really BAD idea" board usually scored in the 9 or 10 range...most of the times everyone did them  - and enjoyed them.....like when there were 8 people are all looking at each other as we "Skitched" behind a friends jeep going 30 mph at midnight down a dark snow covered road - laughing our asses off  while not worrying about the chance of dying as we were skidding around corners with the driver accelerating.... (lol...I know they enjoyed it)

One of the last things I proposed was building a life size Trebuchet and shooting it at our buddies farm... He is a farmer and does pumpkins every year....So I was like, "Dude....Lets build a trebuchet and shoot whatever you cant sell".  This immediately morphed into "Dude - lets charge people $5.00 a shot and let them shoot what they buy into your field - we will make a boat load of money"  .... but the classic touch was Coop's comments of rolling it out to the Roadside with a sign that said on it "Free Delivery".... ( I still laugh at that)...

So anyway back to my pointless story....Around this time I'm hitting 46...and after some conversations I find out a friend of mine from back in high school recently passed away from a H/A @ 47 with a 4 yr old kid .....Of course this gave my 230lb, 5'9", no exercising,  too many beers a day drinkin, couch potato ass a serious reflect on my life scare.... and I figure - time to change things up.

On top of this I'm always thinking about another friend of mine from work who actually died and was resuscitated on the table (several yrs back). This guy is now the flarkin poster child for heart care. Seriously...if you fart near him and it smells too "strong" - he pesters you to go to the Dr. and get checked out...(so he is ALWAYS bugging me..lol)

Anyway  -  few days back - I wake up and BAM.... I get these really bad chest pains, like I have never felt before.... I'm like WTF... NO WAY...this cant be happening today.... and proceed to get really farking nervous....Of course they don't stop but it becomes only this really annoying constant pain...

So what do I do, of course,  I ignore it like any red blooded man would and I tough it out, pull up my big girl pants and I go to work... but by noon it hasn't stopped and is just as bad....and now I'm getting nervous cause all I hear is the poster boy in my head "why would you even take the chance."Eventually I'm like F'it, he's right, better safe then dead.....and long story shortened - I go to the Doc, get the EKG and no issues, apparently I pulled chest muscles from heavy lifting the day before and it is a big false alarm... big relief..

Well of course I then go for the full physical (cause I'm thinking of Coop who is a couple of yrs younger then me and his recent run in with his health) and I'm asking the Dr. about every scan in the book, including when to go for "The Pipe" - envisioning he is gonna say  "NOW"  and spin me around, rip my pant down, wheel in a telescope and have his way with the holiest of holies right then and there..... But he walks me back from the ledge and gives me the regular battery of tests....and of course.....I come out with firkin flying colors - clean as a whistle inside and out - if you get me....  BP 120/60 Chol 175...etc... but of course I am too fat (45lbs according the that shitty BMI scale which I think is total BS...but that is another story).

Well, about the time I heard my buddy passed, and before the chest pain thing, I decided it was time for a life change and I hung up my six pack holster between M-Th with the full on intentions of quitting  for good f at all possible... forever. But knowing this is neigh on impossible - I am approaching it from a "Don't deprive - just avoid whenever you can" aspect  - and will play it from there... so far, I have dropped 11 lbs in 2 weeks just from stopping drinking so much.

Of course I then get the Gym membership re-activated (since I have been paying them for a yr just to stay open)...and I hit my first hour session on the treadmill tonight....

So why this long and pointless dissertation? - cause Mr. Nugent, here is the next Endeavour I'm going for - maybe not this yr - but If I can - I will for 2013...

J3

mmmMMMmmmMMMMmmm......Skeksis.....

I wanted to post a picture of our work mascot who I like to refer too as "Skeksis".

He or his partner (who looks exactly like him or her) - is often found perched on the 4th floor balcony of our cafeteria  - with nasty chunks of roadkill sometimes stuck to his buzzard beak or claws.....  (currently there is some bloody goo on the end of his beak, but you have to really zoom in to see it)

Skeksis is particularly gross looking as he eyeballs you through the glass at times, with his little beady eyes, giving you a look like he is just waiting for you to kick the bucket so he can pluck out your eyeballs for a snack.

I fricken hate this thing... it just looks so fricken gross I almost want to call pest control to get rid of it - but it fascinates me at the same time... I mean look at it..his red head looks like a tortured scrotum, his eyes like some xanthelasmata encrusted sideshow freak and you can literally see through his nostril holes completely - like a ring of meaty bone... It is just sooo gross you almost want to puke, but you just cant stop looking at it....

I have at times seriously wanted to grab his ass and put a metal hoop ring through that nostril cavity - like a bull has - to make him look really bad ass - but I know he would probably bite the living shit outta me if I ever actually caught him, eating my fingers off like popcorn shrimp or something and scratching me like a huge, pissed off Tasmanian devil....(his talons are a good inch long and sharp and that beak is sharp as hell and has a wicked little meat hook to it)

You do have to give it to him though... We had those bird spikes installed on the ledge to get rid of him - and they are sharp as hell trust me cause I tested one when I got them installed  - but he just uses them to scratch his nasty bird ass as he squashes them down without a care....laughing at me... like he is now...

It's an evil laugh, a Carrion laugh..... a Buzzard Nazi laugh.....damn him.....

(and if you don't know what "skeksis" is - look it up yourself)

J3

Janes la Adicción

I'm not quite sure how it happened, but last week I found myself seated in the Wellmont Theater in Montclair  Nj. watching the first rock concert I have seen in possibly 2 decades.

I walked out, happy to have had the time with my wife, but also with a firm understanding of the term "Generation Gap" and the fact that I am "Officially Old".

 My wife.. She loves music. She goes to at least 4 or 5 concerts a year for the past 2 or 3 years with her groupie girlfriends, but they mostly got to see those washed up has-been 80's bands that travel the "B- Circuit" like Duran Duran and Pet Shop Boys  - but there are some bands that still inspire even my old ass away from the X-Box, like "Jane's Addiction".
 
So last Tuesday I found myself on a date with my wife, sitting in the balcony of the Wellmont while a 53 yr old Perry Farrel and the  44yr old "Ink Master" Dave Nevarro assailed my old assed eardrums for 2 hours with their flavor of Rock & Roll. It was a good show, strange... but good.
I must say though, I was really struck by 2 things at this concert .... (outside the show)

1)  Old Bands = Old Fans.....  and not that that is a bad thing, because this was one of the few concerts I have been to that the crowd around me was in my age group ( mid forties) and where I actually had a seat and no one stood up so that you could actually "Watch" the show. Although by the end of that show the place was JAMMED.... WAY  over legal occupancy I am sure cause that place was standing room only by the second half of the show.

2) Louder does not always = Better....  My fricken ears are still ringing...

Aside the fact I have trouble hearing to begin with, I am usually loathe to immerse myself into a closed, hot, no AC worth a damn, stinking of shitty dirt weed pot type of room that I am catching a full force frontal assault of  of music that is so loud I cannot even hear myself scream in my own head.... (does that make you old or sensible ? or is that what getting old makes you - sensible?)









Anyway the show was cool... Perry Farrel & Dave Nevarro are still fricken freaks - but they can still play some great Rock & Roll and it was a good time - even though I felt a bit out of place...But what the hell - when the wife asks you on a date, get the hell out there and enjoy it while you can.

J3

(P.S.  next month she is taking me to see "Snow Patrol" - who are pretty damn good if you haven't listened to them before)

From The Salt Mine - Director of Facilities

Why do I love my job?  Yet one more reason....

So for the past year our company has been growing in leaps and bounds, and because of that, our staff has been growing at light speed, and of course our space which is now required to seat everyone has had to keep pace along with the growth.

There are certain things I do very well, one of those things is project management with a very high level of detail being maintained and the other is Construction ( Coop at FoF can tell you how myself and Matty K built half of Hoboken in the 1990's).Well, as our facilities grew, I was able to wheedle my way onto the new space construction project and within a few months was given the opportunity to run it as it is very time consuming. 

I have been running the crap outta this project ever since....  so much so that I have been joking around with the Overlord that I should be given the title of "Facilities Manager" since I seem to have become the De Facto "Go To Guy" now for everything facilities & operations in our location... 

Well because the guys I work with all have a good sense of humor - I was summoned to the Overlords office the other day to be given a gift of appreciation for my hard work.....

Was it a Promo? Nope.
Was it a Raise?  Nope.

Was it funny?   Of course. 

So now I have to wear this whenever I hit the job site  - and of course the work crews are all giving me the WTF stares....  But hey... F'-it - I'm not there to amuse them....and I think it was funny.. so they just have to deal with it dammit...

J3

Scratch & Sniff

OK - this is gross...but I'm posting it anyway..... The other day I'm driving from one office to another - about a 20 minute drive in all.

I decide to stop at Starbucks... I have always been a big fan and drink their coffee at least 3 to 5 times per week. I make a quick stop, grab a "tasty beverage", then hit the road and drive on...

15 minutes later I pull into the office parking lot  - and as I make the turn in....I'm just finishing my coffee. I tilt the now almost empty cup back for the last dregs - and I pass through some sunshine, I see the following through the bottom of my cup.

Yeah I almost puked, but I console myself by thinking that it was written on the outside bottom of the cup and not the inside bottom  - which is not much, but it helps me to avoid the thought that someone didn't just bust a nut in the cup right before serving it to me - cause THAT THOUGHT is just not good....

A call to SB Cust Serv resulted little in way of them giving a shit.... and unfortunately without a reciept I'm not getting anywhere- so my next step is to head back to the store and see the manager and have some words with him about his staff.

I'm not much for "lawsuits" and I have to think this was just some dumb monkey fooling around at work and not even thinking about the possible repercussions - but GD it makes my stomach churn every time I look at that cup....

J3

Call me Bubble Boy - but I'm just fine where I am......

In other words, you can see through your bubble, but you need to get out more.

I loved this...

Taken with respect from Woosk.

If you have not had a chance to check out his/her site.. It is a regular for me on the "really cool stuff" posting trail.

I, by the way, failed miserably on this one and was totally blown away when I actually saw it... don't cheat...

Comon - You saw a lake too... I know you did...

J3

Look what I got for Christmas...Well not really, but I want one.

J3

I was flipping through some old Emails

And I came across this....  An oldy, but a goody.... I have a few more of these - but this cracks me up...

J3

Jingle Balls

So the other night I get home from work. It is dark, I’m tired, it’s cold and I’m hungry. The OB&C is out with J4 (my son) and LTM “lil trouble maker” (my daughter) and they are on their way home from goodness knows where.  So of course there is no chance for a timely dinner - which is never a good thing for me. So, at this point I’m just ready to chill out on the couch with a brew and spend a few hours blowing crap up on the XBOX….

So I pull in, jump out of my car and suddenly realize that the next morning is recycling. So before I go inside, I drop my gear on the front steps, walk around the back of  El’Casa and grab the handle / hinge of our big rolling recycle bin, tipping it backwards and dragging it towards the front of the house.

Strangely enough I felt this odd resistance as I am pulling on it and am like WTF is going on here…

So of course – cause I’m too GD lazy to flip on a light or anything, I figure the wheel is caught or something is hung up - and I proceed to yank the whole bin towards me pretty hard to “un-lodge it”….

At that point 3 things happen – and all in less than a millisecond….

1)      I recall going over options in my mind as to why the resistance felt so “different” then what it normally does. I mean, I’m going over scenarios in my head and I can’t put it together.... I know I have "felt" this type of “resistance” before, but I am just not making the connection – so I’m like F-it and keep pulling.

2)      I suddenly hear this strange sound, like a click of plastic followed by a quick scrape of same said plastic against wood and a whooshing sound - somewhere in the area of the upper railing of my deck, now several feet away from me and about from 6 or 7 feet up.  I’m like "WTF was that?".  Mind you I am still pulling the wheeled bin with my left hand and standing to the right side of it.

3)      I look up to where the sound came from and suddenly points 1 & 2 coalesce as I realize the 48” bungee cord I hooked on the recycle bin lid and then to the rail of my porch (to open it without having to walk down the stairs) has just been stretched to it’s near breaking point and my yank has pulled it free from the little hook it is attached to on the railing and it is coming at me at Warp 9….

Spider senses tingling, my man power mental physics go into quantum gear: 

(Angle × Velocity × Power)  ÷ Position of my balls² = Extremely Bad Day for J³

Reacting on sheer instinct alone, I do the fast hip twist (that only a man can appreciate) and turn ever so slightly, as the hard plastic hook which is rocketing at my nuts misses  by a hairs width and hits my leg mere millimeters away from where only an eye blink ago – J-Bob and the boys had been as exposed as rink side fans, sitting behind the goal at a hockey game, with no glass on the boards,  during a slap shot contest.

I need not explain the shiver of relief that passed through me as that plastic hook of ball crushing doom hit my leg and did not impact on the holiest of holy’s – but I know I stood there blinking stupidly for a second thanking my lucky stars and making a mental note not to do that again…..

J3

Another Very Cool Video

I would love to know how they did this... I love it





J3

Incredible.....

H/T to Woosk... This is fricken awesome






J3

Pictures I have taken in the Places I have been #5

Sachsenhausen Concentration Camp - Germany

Built late in the war as the "Model" which all other C camps to follow, would be built and measured against, Sachsenhausen never went into "full operation" before the war ended - but mind you, it was open for business in a big way. This place disgusted me...

Words don't really describe what you feel when you walk on the grounds of a place like this and slowly realize the reality the atrocities that occurred there. The lives and families that were decimated by what Aldo Raines best describes as "The foot soldiers of a Jew hatin' mass murdering maniac...."


It is after seeing things like this, with the consideration of just how far any people can potentially sink into depravity following the dogmatic dreams of  "We're better then you because"....that really keeps me from being a hater to any other race, religion or creed...cause this is where that shit can lead too....

J3.

Not my Usual flavor

I'm not much for hating on others, regardless of color, race, religion, nationality or orientation... and frankly I'm pretty against those who are....

But in this one case - I will make an exception - cause this was Farkin Funny

J3

I saw it....can you?

Two of the Greatest Jokes Ever told....

H/T to CS  & J-Lo from the Salt Mine for these 2 gems....


CS:  Wanna hear the greatest joke ever??
J3:  Sure...

CS:  Two women were sitting quietly, minding their own business.....



*******
J-Lo : Hey I got a great joke for you...
J3 : Cool.. Shoot....

J-Lo :  A pedophile and an 8yr old are walking through the forest at night.  The child looks up at the pedophile and says, "I'm scared." The pedophile, looks down at the child and replies..."You are?  Well how do ya think I feel.... I gotta walk back alone..."


Sorry.... I though they were fricken hilarious....

J3

Great Googly Moogly....

As I walked into Stu Leonard's tonight, I felt, for the second time today, the light of god shining down upon me - like Joliet Jake himself.

Following that calling - I rounded the corner to my hunting grounds and arrived at what - for a moment anyway - could only truly be called.... Heaven... as my eyes crossed the greatest find since Indie discovered the Ark of the Covenant...

The 1.6 GALLON SUPER MAGNUM  

of  Belgian Abbey Ale. The "Mathusala Edition". 

Direct from the Saint Bernardus Brewery  - Belgium

Seen here with a 12 Oz bottle next to it for Scale

I must say.... it was with difficulty that I walked back to the counter sporting such a huge boner... but the rapture was not to beeee...

Sporting a price tag of $200.00  - I felt the chill hand of Satan tickle my scrotum with the words - "DENIED" - written all over it....

Damn you back to Hell Satan....Damn you back to Hell

J3

Close Shave....

So this morning I'm driving to work on rt 287... Normally I'm against traffic and average 75 to 80 for 90% of my trip - but there is always this one strip of road that for 3 to 4 miles is either stop and go, crawling or lite traffic... no matter what... your braking...

Many people in Jersey live by the rule of "drive in the fast lane" because there are 3 distinct sets of drivers in NJ  - fast and aggressive (15% of the good drivers from NJ - I'm in there),  Fast and Stupid   (75% of the other drivers from NJ  - and let me tell you there are a shit load of fast stoooopid drivers up in here!!!) and Slow and Stupid ( this is other the 10%  of those who don't live in Jersey  and are not used to it or are panicked as they try to escape alive from the idiocy of the other 75%)

To counter this mass of dumb-asses, I stay in the fast lane as much as possible  - and for 3 primary reasons:

 

1) I drive fast & I normally have an escape lane with the shoulder to avoid when one of the 75% have a flash of brilliance that kills people...(i.e. they try to drive)

2) It allows me to cut down my chances from 8 points of impact to 5 points when one of the 75% have a flash of brilliance that kills people...(i.e. they try to drive)

3) The center and slow lanes are filled with the other 85% and my temper just cant take their inability to drive - and I would rather be passed them and safe - then to deal with them..

 

So like I was saying, I was driving along on 287. I hit the spot of lite traffic - everyone moving in the 50's or so. It was moderate, but flowing traffic, a lot of cars and no place to make sudden moves - pretty straight forward right?  I'm listening to NPR and drinking my coffee, not paying attention to anything. I'm in that "zen" state you hit sometime when you drive when your body just drives and you  mind is on autopilot.. Like driving by using the force...paying attention without paying attention...

So of course, suddenly one of the 75% get the bright idea to change lanes into my lane - at 50 mph, with a REALLY sudden exaggerated turn. No a smooth lane change nope - it was an "I'm clear and I'm going.. no worry about looking first", type of lane change.... So, no blinker, no look and REALLY fast.  

Normally this would not have bothered me so much as it did today - because today my front tire/quarter panel - was even with her driver side door mirror.  This Bim didn’t even look, she just cuts the wheel and comes across the lines – FAST. 

Man - I don't know who or what it was - but I literally “felt her” coming at me - I wasn’t even looking at her – it was just that peripheral “sense” of an object "not being where it should be" and getting close to you at super speeds - and thank the good lord that I did feel it, cause she would have f’ing creamed me…  

Somehow, thankfully, my hand just turned the wheel and I was off the road, over the rumble strips and inches away from concrete divider before it even really registered I was in imminent danger of dying.... In .0002 seconds I hit the brakes - looked in my rear view  - and every car in the fast & middle lane had hit their brakes to open the space up as they collectively thought - "Oh shit that guy is done". 

Frankly so did I for a quick second when I saw Dean Winters smiling at me in my review.

So I swing back onto the road and realize it had happened so fast that I never even hit my horn and I never even got the chance to be scared...Then I look at the the Dumb Dumb who almost just killed me and I'm realizing - she not only didn't see me, but she doesn't even realize what just happened...So I pull around her in the middle lane, cause now the traffic  is really slowing  down and pull up aside her and I look over to see if she even acknowledges the problem she just caused me  - and what to do think she is doing?? 

She is eating f’ing peanuts  - F'ING PEANUTS

For some strange reason Laura from Fetch my Flying Monkey's flicks through my head as I consider if they are circus peanuts or not, but I snap out of it and I scream some choice jersey expletives at her ( I have a 5th degree black belt in cursing... a gift handed down to me from my father) 

She hears me, looks over and gives me a look like “What?” and then turns away and ignores me, like I’m some creep hitting on her…  It was at this point I am glad I don't carry a gun cause you all would a been hearing about the crazy guy who shot a "Poor Innocent"  Bim on the highway  in NJ today....

Anyway, I got her plate # and as I pulled off my exit - I realized (aside from shitting in my pants), remarkably – I didn’t spill a single drop of my coffee… cause if that would happened  - shit would really got outta hand down here...

So tonight I am raising a glass to the Big Guy Upstairs for saving my ass... Thank You...

J3 

I Dare you not to Laugh #2

Again.... this is not me, or my cat - but it is funny.....lol

I Dare you not to Laugh

I know this is mean...but GD this is funny.... It is not me, it is not my cat, nor did I  post it ( but I will re-post it to teach young folks what not to do with a Cat)




J3

Did you ever really listen to the word

Once when I was interning during college, (I wanted to teach college level history way back when), I had to go to observe high school teachers in action. So they tell me to go to my old high school to do this. I get permission and I'm sitting in a classroom where one of my old high school teachers is teaching a history lesson about Fidel Castro. I'm like...Jeez this SUCKS....  just waiting for the day to end...

A few minutes into the class, 2 guys come in late and had to sit in the back of the class - choosing to sit right in front of me - where they start talking and cracking jokes. I knew the bother of one of the guys so we chatted for a few seconds quietly - before they both turn to listen to the teacher speaking again about Fidel Castro. The teacher goes on for a bit about Castro and then starts talking about Dictators in general....

So right in the middle of this conversation, the guy I knew, turns to his buddy and leans over to him and says... "You know that word always cracked me up..."Dictator".... I mean  listen to it, "Dictator.....Dicccc  Tattter... Dictater...."

So I'm saying it to myself and then it hits me what he is talking about and I start laughing, but since I am there in a professional sense, I don't want to make an ass of myself so I'm trying to cover it up

I was doing good until he says

"Do you think they are like little tiny potatoes that on little tiny vines on your dick?"

That did it... I had to walk out of the room for the rest of that class cause I was to the point of tears and I could not hold a straight face..... Since then.... I can never hear that word without laughing thinking about little tiny potatoes growing on your dick.....

J3

Back in the Day...

Back in the day when Me and Matty K. were doing Iron Work and hanging steel, building 1/2 of Hoboken as Coop likes to say - I would have jumped at the chance to do this...Now however....I would still do it, but now I would want a safety harness......  Cause now I'm old and lame

Yeah its a long video.... but check it out if you have the time...

Pictures I have taken in the places I have been #4

Mutianyu China... TGW.... aside the birth of my 2 children, this was quite possibly the most incredible thing I have ever had the pleasure of seeing first hand.....

And regardless of my below commentary - China is amazing and remains one of my most favortie places to visit ever...

I was also quite impressed (and relieved) with the fact that the clever Chinese had installed about a mile long steel alpine slide to take you back down to the parking lot..

Another shocking revelation  (and what you really can't take away from any picture or imagining) is that this massive Mary Francis is built along the top of  "mountains".  So all the geriatric Americans who make the life long pilgrimage to TGW o' C and are in their 60's to 80's when they get there, are passing out like flies from the sheer exertion of just walking up and down the sides of mountains - regardless if those walkways are so wide you could drive a car down it.... Trust me, those F***ing  mountains are steep and your ass needs to be in shape... no joke.. and BTW, there is NO chopper rescue for your spoiled American ass there, let alone a descent hospital  in this region - even if you wanted to get to one.

Another word of warning..... If you ever do happened to make it to TGW o' C  - bring some TP with you.... cause there is not a a single shit ticket to be found in 20 miles to either side of that bad boy  - let alone a flush toilet.... lets just leave it at - it is a good thing you can buy T-shirts around there for like $1.00 US....

J3

I've never been one for posting music... but

I was reading through the tasty selections of the Feral Irishman and listened to one the music videos he posted and it reminded me of an old friend of mine who is one of the greatest percussionists I have ever seen or heard...

I have known this guy since 6th grade and from the earliest memories I have of him he was constantly banging out rhythms on whatever would make sounds....

In his later life - he joined forces with a guy and they made a duet called Mudfunk... which has since unfortunately split... but man these guys were good..

I always thought they could have made it big, but you be the judge.


Ladies & Germs....  Mudfunk...

J3

Hang Drum

For those who have never seen a Hang Drum.... Check it out... a singularly cool insturment....

Still Alive..

Pissed hit me up  - cause I have been negligent in my posting, to see if I was still alive...... No excuses, I have just been caught up in work and other BS and primarily lurking on 2 new blogs I have found through through The Feral Irishmans' postings.. both are really great and both are really funny..

Fetch  My Flying Monkeys

&

Single White Alcoholic Seeks Same

These two blogs could not possibly be more different - but both are riddled with the undertones of the humor I just love...so if you haven't invested some time to read them then do so.. they are GREAT..

But be warned...... There are some serious adult undertones rockin the house at Single White Alcoholic.....:)

Outside that, I am getting ready to split out a new page to post my "Book List".... A list which I have kept for several years, going back so far as to listing every book I have ever read over the course of my life - as far back as I can remember (and trust me I have invested some time thinking on and building out that list)

Here is my latest haul from B&N...... I cant wait to check out the Le Carre' book.. I don't know word one about his style, nor have I even read a single sentence  or review - but 3 times in under 1 week  - from 3 different unrelated sources I have heard this book spoken about highly... and that to me is a good enough recommendation.... I just know it is a spy novel and not like James Bond - but more like intrigue and plotting...

I cant wait.....

J3

The Helloween Snowtastrophy of 2011

Well - for the next several hours after that last post - I sat in the house listening to the horrendous cracking, breaking and falling of trees and their massive branches coming down all around my house.

At that point I am sure I was not the only one hitting pucker factor 10 watching those gargantuan limbs hovering over my house while shitting pickles in nervous anticipation.. (Did I happen to mention that my town is known widely as 'The Number One Tree City USA for NJ"??) Nice huh ?? and let me tell you brothers and sisters, they ain't kidding with that shit either ... it's a regular Mayberry up in here - tree lined streets a plenty.. It's like Paul Bunions wet dream out here.

So of course - "a" snow flake fell in my town - which normally warrants me loosing power for at least 2 days and of course - a freak storm blows in and dumps 5 to 6 inches of snow & ice on us.... Now mind you, outside the fact if a raindrop falls in my town, my basement normally floods - which has put me through years of repairs and equipment purchases - so that at this point I am fairly confident I can face almost any water issue the good lord throws at me when I loose power, but Mother Fuzz Nuts, I forgot about dealing with COLD when the power goes out - I can't hook up my heater to that generator...DOHHHH.... J3 - Fucked again...

Long story short... No power for almost 3 full days, no heat, no hot water, widow makers falling from every tree in good old tree town USA... and PSE&G (our power company) conveniently telling us - no power until this coming Friday (WTF Friday?? seriously??) .... It is enough to make you want to kill someone cry.

So frustrated out of my mind - I went for a walk to survey the damage. Mind you this was less then 5 hrs after the first snow flake fell....

(thankfully that was not my car). This was left as is for 3 days. To bad you cant see the power lines tangled up in there to make it nice an "extra" dangerous".  Thankfully though, the cops came by a whole two days later to "help" - by running some yellow "caution tape" to make sure everything was safe & secure - before beating a retreat to the local Dunkin Donuts without doing a GD thing....Thanks Johnny Law...

This limb - though it doesn't look big - fell 10 seconds after I walked under that tree....No shit, the snow started raining down on me and I darted outta there like a fat gazelle.. Seriously, my fat ass hasn't move that fast since the days when me, Coop and the boyz used to run from the cops who were trying to bust us for under aged drinking... So, it was at this time that I decided I should head to the park - where it was open and a bit safer...

Well, I make my through the park to the parking lot entrance and I come across this huge tree downed right in the entrance way...... I walk around this monstrous thing to the right side and notice a PSE&G truck parked in the lot, lights on, engine running and of course, when I eventually get to the door - it is complete with a sleeping workman inside (of course, what else would you expect in NJ right ??)

Now mind you... if this tool bag had pulled an all nighter working his ass off on power lines and tress and such - no worries on my part cause I know that kind of work and hours can be a real bitch.. but this was less then 5 hours into the storm... WTF.. this guy was sleeping off a hangover or something.....  I wanted to take a pic of him sleeping in the truck with the signs of the truck saying "Worry Free" - with the tree behind him.. but I was pissed and opted to knock on his window instead to ask for any update to power being restored.... He didn't know shit. I asked him if he knew how much of NJ was without power.. he didn't know shit... I asked him if he was gonna get out and move that tree and he says no - while giving me an annoyed look cause I woke his ass up and rolling the window back up...

No wonder we wont have power until Friday....those Sonsofbitches...I am still pissed at that since my family and me froze our collective asses off for 2 nights while that DB was getting paid to sit in his truck...... Mother Father Son of the Beach...

J3

Happy Thoughts of Last winter

Written moments before loosing power Sat 10/29/2011 at 11:30am or so - only to get it back on  finally  @ 4:30 pm 10/31... It's been damn cold in my house with no heat for almost 3 days...  ( Did I mention I  f***ing hate winter?) :

Since it is already snowing in October here in NJ  (WTF BTW) I rolled out my new snow thrower "Ethel" from the shed and ran through my standard 8 point safety & start up up check list (previously 7 points) to make sure she was prepped for the coming season.

I am usually really bad with this type of thing - leaving gas in the engine over the winters (or summers), throwing out machines instead of changing spark plugs (you know - the typical disposable American mentality) and keeping this in mind, I always try to start them up well before I need them to know if I am buying a new machine or not... :)    As it happens, "Ethel" preformed perfectly - All points were a go and I am kicking back with a brew to chill out and watch the F***ing snow storm pile down around me....( F *** I hate winter)    So as I am looking down admiringly on Ethel as she purrs like a kitten and I thought back to last year, when I had taken out the fondly remembered "Bessy" to fire her up and make sure she was in running order also.

"Bessie" was a hand me down snow thrower from my Old Man - who had her for like 15 years himself.... no shit...this thing was around when Lincoln was in office... and she was a mean old little bitch... strong enough to take your hand off if you didn't respect her....cause I like that in my tools, just like my women (sorry honey... not you of course :) )

She ran good for many years and since my driveway and walkway are small she had found a solid retirement home with me as she was closing in on  her final seasons.... So anyway, I turned her into position facing out of the garage (thankfully) and ran through my then 7 Point Safety Checklist and fired her up with the electric start button (cause I'm too fat and lazy at this point to actually pull a start cord manually...sheesh) - and that is when all hell broke loose.

(Authors Note:  The Term "Safety" is used in the loosest of interpretations in this writing)

The J3 7 Point Snow Thrower "Safety" Checklist

1. Gas  - Check
2. Key in Ignition - Check
3. Carburetor primed - Check
4. Garage Door open so as not to asphyxiate myself - Check
5. Extension Cord plugged in & connected to the Electric Starter - Check
6. Emergency Stopper Safety Bar tied off securely with a Rag so as not to stop the machine until I want to stop it because the manufacturer doesn't know what he is talking about- Check
7. Starter Button Depressed - Check
8. Big F***ing hunk of wood removed from the inside blade area under the snow blower.....DOH
9. Bat-Ter-Rang that explodes out from the wildly kicking snow thrower, flying across the yard ready to kill  anything in its path, while narrowly missing my car - accounted for and reclaimed..... Check
10. Bessie coughing her final death throws as the block of wood wedges tight, grinding the gears to nubbins while the engine splutters halt, belching caustic spark filled smoke into my face and spitting out oil twisted wreckage & gears onto the Garage floor....Fuck
11. J3 F***ed out of another $400.00  - You Motherless Father Son of the Beach - Check

Fuck...I hate winter.....

J3